An Honest Look At Postpartum: The Fourth Trimester
Behind every postpartum photo, there's a story that isn't always shared. Today, I'm shedding light on the real, unfiltered journey of the fourth trimester, because let’s face it - it’s no walk in the park.
It's been three months since I gave birth and I've been struggling more than I expected in some ways and way less than I expected in others.
My body has changed in ways I didn't anticipate. While breastfeeding and a mostly whole food diet allowed me to drop most of my pregnancy weight quickly, my belly is still SO squishy and cellulite has formed where there wasn’t any before. I’ve also got curves and fun new boobs I’ve never had, but I also see them deflating with every breastfeeding session.
5 days postpartum
My emotions are so tender and raw- even still, but so much more in the month after giving birth. Happy tears, grief tears, overwhelm tears, anxious tears, loving tears, gratitude tears, I-don’t-even-know-why tears… So much crying. But luckily, I can honestly say I haven’t experienced the postpartum depression I thought I would. A credit I owe to my muuch improved gut health, a prioritization of movement and my incredibly supportive husband.
My days are no longer my own. Leisurely mornings, uninterrupted work sessions and my ability to get to the gym are long gone. I’m lucky if I can even prepare a meal, let alone eat my freshly cooked food hot. My baby carriers and boobs are my greatest assets. I’ve discovered that if you want the baby to wake up, all you have to do is try to do something for yourself. He’ll need something the second you’re ready to get to work.
And speaking of sleep - none of us are getting enough. Cayden is FINALLY sleeping 7ish hrs uninterrupted (most of the time), but it’s been a long road. And his naps are usually short. Not to mention, I’m learning how much those couple of hours together with my hubs after he goes to bed are both necessary for our relationship and detrimental for our sleep. Sleep when the baby sleeps? Yeah right lol. I’ve got sh*t to do.
Breastfeeding has been a whole other beast to tackle. My nips were sore for probably 2 months and really I think they’re just numb at this point. Even showering became painful for a while. I had no idea that your milk let down could feel like needles all over your chest. Cayden went from barely latching at all, to a nipple shield on my breast, to now, finally, fully comfortable latching on. I’m much more comfortable with it to now that I’m not fumbling around to get him on there before he loses it. (These babies be hangry!) It feels so strangely beautiful, primal, depleting and loving to feed him in this way.
But much to my disappointment, I’m still having to supplement with formula. Yes, a fed baby is best, but I’d prefer to give him his natural diet of breast milk as much as I can. However, I do very much appreciate the freedom it allows me and the bonding it offers my husband and son. Thank the lord, he easily transitions from boob to bottle and doesn’t complain when it’s not his preferred milk.
And also that they create goat’s milk formula because he definitely wasn’t reacting well, even to the expensive organic cow’s milk stuff I sourced from Germany (The USA has TERRIBLE quality formulas! Thanks FDA 🙃).
But the biggest thing I wasn’t really prepared for was just how much love you feel for that baby. As cliche as it sounds, that kid is your heart existing outside of your body - when he hurts, you your heart breaks 10x over. When he’s happy, you feel on top of the world - like you’re finally getting it right.
The way he stares into my soul while he’s feeding. The way his hands hold my fingers. Watching him soak in the world around him. Seeing his face light up when a boob falls in his face. Dancing and singing with him while he sings along smiling. His flirty smirks. The way he looks so unbelievably peaceful while he sleeps on my chest. Watching him roughhouse with Dad. Talking to him and him jib jabbering back with a face full of expressions. Introducing him to all our favorite things. How I can tell when his brain is forming new connections and building on the ones he’s already formed. And now this kid laughs - if that’s not the best sound in the world I’m not sure what is.
… These are the things that make all the sleepless nights and sacrifices so incredibly worth it.
Introducing him to the ocean 😍
This precious time is SOOOO fleeting. I wish I could bottle it up because, man, the oxytocin rush I get from loving this kid is better than any drug I’ve ever tried. And time is flying faster than ever. So much so that I feel guilty sometimes for even trying to do anything besides just soaking in every sweet moment with him.
There are days when I feel like I have everything under control, and other days when I wonder if I'm cut out for this.
It’s both a blessing and a curse having the responsibility of raising him, of showing him how to navigate this life, and of teaching him all that we have to offer and then some.
Sometimes it’s so overwhelming knowing he’s watching and absorbing our every move/word/expression.But most of the time it feels like the most fulfilling, important and sacred opportunity in the world to be intentional in the way we raise him and becoming our best selves in the process of demonstrating it to him.
And here's the thing: I know I'm not alone. I know that so many other moms out there are going through the same stuff, even if they don't talk about it.
So here's to the messy, beautiful, chaotic reality of motherhood. We're in this together. ❤️
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