My Birth Story
The end of pregnancy was so bittersweet. On one hand, I wasn’t ready to be done being pregnant, and on the other I was SO ready to be done and meet our boy. We’d had some close calls that fizzled out so it very much felt like we were just hangin in limbo with no idea when things would happen.
Our only saving grace was that we learned a fun shortcut to making things progress early on. So when Justin came home from work on Friday pronouncing that he was officially done with work and was ready for Cayden to come anytime, we knew what to do to get the party started.
Friday night we went out with friends for dinner and what we hoped would be our last social outing before his arrival. We ate, shared stories, laughed and chatted for a while before heading home to do our part to get labor going. Little did I know that I’d actually be going into labor later that night.
Early Labor
Around midnight I started feeling contractions, but I had been feeling them all week so I didn’t think much of it. But by the end of the movie we were watching, I had started noticing that they were actually very regular so I began tracking with an app. My contractions were mild, but happening every 3-4 minutes like clockwork, and they were starting to actually require a lot of my attention to not let the pain take over.
We had learned in our Bradley Method class that the best thing to do at this point was to stay distracted and ignore the contractions until I couldn’t, so I made a batch of lactation brownies and Justin and I went outside to smoke a tiny joint (don’t judge me, the point is to remain calm) and talk about what we could do to upgrade our motorcycles.
By 2am, it was clear the contractions weren’t getting easier so we knew we needed to attempt to get some sleep to make it through the impending labor. By this point though, sleep was off the table. Contractions were so intense that I could fall asleep, but couldn’t stay that way.
This continued throughout the night where I was basically in my own little world, just trying to get through each contraction using the breath work pattern I had learned - breathing in for 4 count and out for 6. At this point, Justin let the midwives know what was happening and continued to keep them in the loop as things progressed. The only thing I could really do was keep my bladder empty to help relieve some of the pressure, switch sides and breathe.
Active Labor
By the next morning, I was doing whatever I could to stay calm and in control of my breath. I’d move around the bedroom trying to find any position that would provide some relief, but to had little success in that area. I tried laying over the yoga ball, sitting on my knees with my hands on the headboard, leaning up and over the dresser, but no position provided the relief I was looking for so I continued to just try to stay calm and focus on my breathing. I was also moaning like crazy in hopes that it would provide a little relief. Justin would rub my back or my reassure me I was doing a good job - god bless him. But really nothing helped, it was just about managing the pain as best I could.
At some point around 12p I took a shower and let the hot water roll off my back for a while. It felt great, but I couldn’t stay standing for long. Justin set up the birth pool (I could see him frantically wiping up the floor of our hallway, assuming he had flooded our living room - which he did- but I was too distracted to care. I got back into bed and the contractions seemed to dissipate a little. I got a bit of rest, just laying there and trying to fall asleep between contractions. Justin tried to force me to eat to keep my energy stable, but I probably had about 4 bites of food before giving up on that entirely. I couldn’t be bothered to eat or drink, let alone focus on anything other than my breathing.
By 3p, I was reaching a level of pain I had never felt before. I was laying in bed and all of a sudden felt a huge gush of fluid that felt like I peed myself/my water had broken, but I couldn’t be sure. Justin reached out to my midwives to let them know what was going on and they recommended I get back into the shower, letting the water stimulate my nipples to keep the contractions from stalling out. That really did the trick and I could feel my contractions building one after another with almost no break in between. At that point, I knew I was progressing and told Justin they needed to come.
The midwives, having spent 30 hours at their previous birth, were hesitant to come thinking I wasn’t far along, but we both insisted and they slowly made their way to the house. At this point, I was struggling and really had to focus to get through each contraction - breathing in for 4 counts and out for 6 for what felt like an eternity. I got back into bed and again contractions stalled a little. At 4:30p or so, the midwife team arrived to set up. While I thrashed around on the bed in pain, they gathered their tools and suggested a cervical check to see how far along I was.
I was hesitant to let them, fearing that they’d report that I wasn’t that far along, but at that point I felt too weak to decline. They checked and to all of our surprise I was 8-9cm. My midwife reported that my bag was still partially intact and that they could quickly pop it “and get this baby out.” At that point, I was ready for anything to make this experience be over so I obliged. They quickly popped the amniotic sac. I felt the remaining fluid come out and they encouraged me to get into the birth pool to try to relax a little before the pushing stage.
Transition
But by this point, the water was lukewarm and hardly relaxing. I stayed in the pool for what felt like 20mins but was really more like an hour. You really have no concept of time at this level of intensity. While I transitioned in the tub, Justin rubbed my back, and the midwives gave encouraging feedback. They had left the front door open so through the screen I could see horses and riders walking by and heard a confused rooster crowing. I was groaning so loud at this point, I probably alerted the entire neighborhood but really couldn’t care less.
Around 6p or so, the midwives suggested we make our way to the bed since I wasn’t loving the water and according to them was a little difficult to coordinate pushing in the water for first time moms. Again, all I could do at this point was trust their guidance. They checked me again, saying that my cervix was completely dilated and super soft and suggested it was time to push.
Delivery
I had read that a lot of women find the pushing stage to be relieving and less painful, but that was absolutely not the case for me. I hated the pushing stage and definitely felt like it was the worst pain I had to endure. It took about 5-10 mins of figuring out that pushing a baby out, really just meant pooping the baby out. The midwife kept saying, “push into your butt,” which felt absolutely awful.
With their coaching, I finally figured out how to push the right way and for the right amount of time. At this point, I was so ready to be done, but was in so much pain, that I’d push until I literally couldn’t. I tried changing positions once or twice but nothing provided relief so I just did what they said and pushed through the intense amount of pain I was in. At one point, the midwife had what felt like her entire hand up there, guiding the lip of my cervix off of his head. I had fully thought I’d be a quiet laborer, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. I was basically roaring until my throat burned.
Eventually they could see the head appear. They were making jokes with Justin about how he was bald and I about lost it feeling like I needed everyone to focus on the task at hand. Funny in hindsight, but not so much when you’re in the throws of a painful labor. My midwife took a picture of his head beginning to crown and that really gave me the adrenaline rush I needed to get him all the way out. I don’t remember feeling the ring of fire that everyone talks about, I just remember being in so much pain with him in there that I could endure any pain necessary at that point just to get him out. Once his head was out, all I needed was one tiny push for his tiny little body to slide right out. My 35 mins of pushing felt like an eternity, but apparently went really fast.
They immediately put him on my chest - the most surreal feeling. I literally couldn’t believe he was ours and how quickly our whole world just changed in an instant. While Justin cleaned me off, the nurse wiped down Cayden. Per our request, they left the cord attached until it had stopped pulsating and turned white. Justin was able to cut the cord, but only barely, since the midwives only had a small pair of sewing scissors to use. Surprisingly, those first few moments weren’t the bliss I expected since he was crying like crazy and the midwives were wiggling out my placenta. Then once he started to calm down, I could feel every part of the 2 internal stitches I received.
A few minutes later, though, was the instant rush of oxytocin. Justin and I looked at him with his eyes staring back at us. The best feeling in the world. We looked at each other with tears in our eyes and kissed, then looked back at him. Magical friggin moment. 🥺
Reflections
Writing this one month later, I still can’t believe we were able to accomplish a home birth. With so many stories circling of failed attempts, in the back of my mind I fully expected to end up in a hospital. People like to tell me how brave or badass I am, but I just feel like it was the safest and most natural option available.
Being able to move freely in the comfort of my own home without fear of unnecessary interventions, and then end up in my own bed with my little family made everything feel right. All births are hard, this is the one I chose, and I’m unbelievably grateful to have manifested the most beautiful, meditative, challenging and perfect births I could have asked for.
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